I Have Some BIG Feelings About Social Media and Parenting.

Many people who have given birth to/sired a child, and I mean the majority of parents in the 21st Century, seem extra keen on posting photos, videos, and even geotagged posts featuring their adorable, cherubic infants and toddlers. Without doubt, this has been going on since long before Facebook or Instagram. I’m sure people used to share photos of their kids in chatrooms back in the 90s. (Yikes, we should know better by now). It’s a compulsion that many folks seem unwilling to question, a cultural norm taking hold in our collective psyches.

Does no one my age remember having our parents sign photo consent release forms? These were for analog photographs, most likely to be used in the local paper. But parents had the right to withhold permission. If they didn’t want images of their kids to be publicized, they wouldn’t be. That was when audiences were much smaller. Nowadays, parents are posting photos of their most vulnerable family members to audiences consisting of hundreds to thousands of people instantaneously! And perhaps more over the course of the post’s life. And these are people their kids might not even meet, distant acquaintances of their parents scrolling past images of them, images they didn’t know were posted and didn’t give consent for.

It feels like the right to privacy was taken more seriously when the internet was new. Now that it is ubiquitous, all caution seems to have been thrown to the wind.

I am often shocked at the sheer volume of baby photos flooding social media. I can understand posting the highlights: important announcements, key events, developmental milestones, family gatherings, birthdays, holidays, reunions, other special occasions, etc., but I absolutely do not comprehend the obsessive day-to-day, play-by-plays of infants, babies, and toddlers constantly streaming on the internet. The perpetual stories, posts, and pictures. A giggle here, a temper-tantrum there, a squirm and wiggle, a poopy blowout, bath time, snack time, play time. It’s like a modern-day rendition of the Truman Show. Can you imagine having had your entire upbringing made public to strangers? I can’t even grasp it, and when I try to imagine, I grow embarrassed and frustrated by the thought exercise. Why is this our cultural standard? Can’t kids just live their lives without it being live-streamed?

Babies are small humans, right? They may not yet have language to express complex thought, but surely their consent to be filmed and photographed for the enjoyment of their parents and the entertainment of their parents’ friends matters. Who gleans the benefit of making their offspring the primary, predominant focal point of their social media account? I would argue, it’s not the kids.

Contemporary social studies indicate that social media tends to make us all, adults and adolescents alike, more depressed. How can we not be? We’re constantly comparing ourselves to beautiful celebrities, holding ourselves to unrealistic physical appearance standards, and comparing ourselves to each other, measuring how much we achieve, how much success we experience, how many “beautiful children” we produce, how many cool places we travel to. Why would we subject our dear, lovable, kissable, squeezable children to the viciousness of the internet from the very moment they’re born? Why would we let them soak in the psychological stew of self-doubt, competition, crumbling self-esteem, and anonymous judgement and commentary before they’re old enough to develop their sense of self? Beyond just the social and mental ways it might screw us all up, it can actually be literally dangerous to our physical selves at times.

It’s no secret that influencers with significant numbers of followers sometimes deal with issues of stalking and harassment. This holds true for influencers who start families and publicize it. You can see who views your stories, but you can’t see who views your posts. Anyone could spot something they recognize in the background, recognize the place, recognize the faces of the influencing family in real life. Anything could happen from there. Skepticism is a useful practice.

This is obviously the most extreme example. Most folks posting pictures of their young family members are just everyday people, with relatively small followings (a few hundred or so). The fear of stalking and harassing from complete strangers decreases. But the issue of obtaining consent from the subject of the content remains, as does the uncertainty of who is viewing said content. So what are the solutions?

First, make sure you have control over how wide your audience is, and try to limit your online connections to people you actually know in real life. Second, communicate with other family members about how many baby photos you feel comfortable with them posting and how many possible viewers there might be. Third, consider posting child content only to your Close Friends list, thus narrowing your audience down even more and ensuring that the people viewing are trusted and excited to be part of the inner circle. Another option might be to make a large, personal digital photo collection, and waiting until your child is old enough to understand what the internet is and how social media works, then posting the album with consent. Yet another option might be to just to post the highlights: special events, holidays, birthdays, “firsts”, family visits, etc. and to cool it a little bit on the every-day posting. Keep it brief, keep it sweet. There also always remains the choice to post pictures online that don’t feature your child’s face, thus protecting their privacy. Additionally, this should go without saying, don’t geotag sensitive photos. It’s always possible someone will recognize a place or landscape even if it isn’t tagged, but it’s preferable to offer up as little information as possible. Finally, do NOT post the first, middle, and last name of your child WITH their birthdate. This is sensitive personal identifying information that can be used for identity theft and fraud.

I know this post will make absolutely no difference because I have readers in the single digits. Everyone will make the decisions they feel most comfortable with, and every has a different threshold for comfort. I do hope that at least a few new parents will take an extra moment to think about what to post, how often, and to which viewers.

It’s a beautiful and wonderful thing to make your babies the focal point of your life. It’s natural that they become your “everything” and that you would want to show them off. Of course you should do everything you can to love and uphold them, to make them feel safe, special, and wholly cared for. But I think it’s unwise to make babies and children the focal point of adult social media accounts. By all means, feature them. But do it safely, and skeptically. The internet is the wild west, and there is no shortage of chaos, insanity, and violence out there. Caution, at this particular junction, would be prudent.

I wonder if I’ll ever be making these decisions for my own children, withholding from public posting, or caving in to the pressure to meet the demand for beautiful thriving families online. Social media is not a representation of reality. We know this is true.

Maybe I’m magnifying the risks beyond what is reasonable. Maybe it’s all just an exercise in imagination. I feel the Earth and society continuing to spiral out of control, and I think to myself: “How do we regain some semblance of agency? How do we protect those amongst us who most need protecting?” For me, that means fighting for a sustainable future, where we don’t crank out more pollution and waste than our Earth can disperse and recycle, and where we don’t consume more resources than are naturally regenerated. For me, that would also mean protecting my child’s privacy and limiting the amount of content I post featuring him or her. But to each their own, I suppose. We’re burning down in fires and drowning in floods. What’s really the harm in back-to-back baby posts? Perhaps there is no harm at all.