My Life is Perfection (I swear! I Can’t Believe it Either!) But I’m Constantly Grieving.

I cannot possibly over-emphasize how grateful I am, how often I contend with the might and magnitude of the privilege I possess and wield, to be sitting here, right where I am, writing these words. That should be said first and foremost. I am loved, well-cared for, financially stable, and even downright pampered. We’re about 1.5 years into Covid-19 and so many people are in dire straits, significantly worse off than before everything fell apart. Racial and economic injustices and inequities have of course existed long before the U.S. was incepted, but they have been thrown into sharp relief for any American citizen still tethered to reality. Just having the time to even consider starting a blog, of all things, is just the cherry on top of a giant, privileged ice cream sundae. But for anyone interested in reading, here goes.

My life, as it currently exists on July 28th, 2021, is as close to perfect as I could possibly hope for, as close to my imagined bliss as is humanly attainable. I am deeply in love with a wonderful, kind, witty, resilient, warm, hard-working, brilliant and talented man: my husband, Jack. We have a sweet, smart, well-behaved 1.5-year old puppy named Milo. We moved into our first house one month ago today, mind-boggled at every step of the escrow process, gob-smacked we were eligible for a loan, stunned at the interest rate of 3.25%. Stars aligned, to be sure. We still can hardly believe we’re homeowners.

My husband and I live comfortable lives. We eat well, we feed our dog well and take him to day-care while we work. Jack loves his position at Whiskey Town National Recreation area and completes projects on the house in the evenings. I work amongst brilliant, visionary, hard-working women and men. My Park Ranger days behind me, I’m now an Environmental Compliance Specialist for a cannabis consulting firm in the “Emerald Triangle”. I help farmers come into compliance with regulations, conditions, and statutes mandated by the California Department of Fish and Wildlife and State Water Resources Control Board to maintain licenses to grow and cultivate marijuana. Having studied diligently at school to earn two bachelor’s degrees (Geoscience and Dance) and one master’s degree (Energy and Environmental Analysis) in order to admirably perform environmental work and, being a personal fan of the sticky herb, this is an ideal job in every sense of the word. Good people, fulfilling and compelling work, calm environment, witty chatter, substantial wages

So why do I cry every day? Why do I wake with stress nausea so powerful I sometimes regurgitate my first sip of morning coffee?

It’s because I know too much about climate change.