Hope Like a Hundred Thousand Suns. Calm Like a Mirrored Lake.

As some folks are aware, Jack and I secretly eloped on June 15th, 2020. This past Saturday, April 16th, 2022, we finally held our wedding ceremony and reception at the Lewiston Hotel, Bar and Grill in the remote town of Lewiston, CA, and had approximately 130 people attend from all over the country and all over the world! In my privileged, sheltered, joyous, comfortable life, this day was the absolute happiest. The grandest. The most like a fairytale. Jack and I were palpably swaddled in love from every direction, and I will never forget this weekend, this day, as long as I live.

It took a village to pull off this production. I couldn’t have achieved any of it without help along the way from friends who threw themselves whole-heartedly into every task they were presented with. This is going to be a long list of thank-you’s, so buckle up!

Thank you to my bridesmaids, Kate, Isabella, Mary, Emily, Marissa, and Riya, for helping stay on track contacting vendors and offering design ideas, Kate (and her husband Alex) for running interference with my mother, Isabella (and her piano-playing, opera-singing husband Jon) for singing most gloriously during the ceremony, Mary (and her partner recently turned fiancé!) for constantly checking in and making sure I was all right, Emily for partying Thursday and then driving my sorely hungover ass around all day Friday, Marissa for shuttling vehicles, and Riya (and her kind husband Mayur) for being the go-between for the Earth and Environment Squad and the bridesmaids. You helped me keep my sanity in check and were instrumental in keeping things flowing smoothly.

Thank you to the groomsmen, Robbie, John, Scott, Wyatt, Stephan, and Cannon, for showing up in full force for Jack and icing him as many times as possible in four days, Robbie for stepping into the role of Best Man a mere three weeks before the wedding, John (and his badass girlfriend Nicole) for helping collect cedar boughs and lichens for table decorations, Scott (and his lovely wife Ariel) for giving the best hugs and compliments while taking excellent photos, Wyatt (and his beautiful partner Morgan) for providing boundless love, advice, and extra assistance in the coordination of the entire event, Stephan (and his wife and baby mama Erzsi) for introducing us to Alex Nester and Crowd Theory to provide SPECTACULAR reception music, and Cannon for wrangling THREE dogs, including Milo (85 lbs) and Arturo (currently 75 lbs at only 8 months old) during the ceremony. You all brought so much fun, laughter, pranks, and high, infectious energy to the weekend. It was an absolute blast watching you all riff off each other.

Thank you to my parents, Donna and Kevin, for bringing me into existence and footing the majority of the bill. I wouldn’t be alive without you and I could never have afforded this party on my own, not even close. Thank you to Caroline and Gary for bringing Jack into the world, and for our “steppy” Amy for being such a positive influence throughout Jack’s upbringing, and for providing a delicious meal at the rehearsal dinner. Several extra thanks to Caroline for being a capital M Mother to me, to my mother, and to everyone before her, and also for her generosity in providing the prettiest pink diamond earrings to wear. Something old and something borrowed, which then became a wedding gift. I love them. They are stunning. Thank you to grandma Mary-Anne and Uncle Greg for arriving with high spirits and warm hearts. I’m so glad I got to hug you as many times as I did! Thank you to Bob for officiating when our friends Megan and Sarah realized last-minute they would be captaining a vessel up the coast of British Columbia the same weekend as the wedding.

Thank you to our fabulous photographer Madi Ellis for capturing the most scenic, gorgeous, ethereal couples portraits and vivid, colorful, hilarious wedding party pictures. She kept us on schedule even though my makeup took a full 45 minutes longer than intended, and managed to get every single shot I hoped for and many, many more I didn’t know I needed in my life, all while cracking jokes and making the entire wedding party feel happy and comfortable. Thank you to planner Sarah Royal of Rebekah Dani Events for decorating the entire venue and running a show so smooth I never once worried about a single detail. She carried my train and veil during the processional, keeping pace perfectly as I slipped and slid down a small hill, and released the fabric at exactly the right moment as I reached the aisle. I had forgotten she was behind me, so flawless was her execution. She checked in constantly and kept us on track for each of the events all night long. Her team was so professional, and everything was PERFECT even though perfection technically doesn’t exist.

Thank you to Brittany and Tiffany for singing our first dance song, “Come Rain or Come Shine” as jazzy duet and providing acoustic music and beautiful harmonies during the after-party. Thank you to Taylor, Cameron, and Kelsey for tearing up the dance floor and spreading love all across the venue. Thank you to all the Packer Family for attending: Fitz, Bri, Nikki, Autumn, Curt, John, Nicole, Scott, Ariel, Wyatt, Cannon, and Annyssa, and a special thank-you to Annyssa and Cannon for conceptualizing and stitching together a two-sided consummation blanket. It is hilarious and heartfelt, the presentation was glorious, and Jack and I love the bacon and eggs cast iron skillet side, as well as the sea of hands side supporting us.

Thank you to my Earth and Environment friends, several of whom were SO STOKED to experience their first American wedding: Hasmitha and her boyfriend Jacob, who traveled from Ohio, Shweta and her boyfriend Sai, who traveled from Seattle, and Priyanka for orchestrating the bachelorette party and flying from Massachusetts. Special thanks to Drashti for traveling from Arizona, and thanks again to Riya for introducing me to Drashti. All of these connections are so special and sacred to me, and I would never have made it through the grad program at BU without their love, support, guidance, and friendship. Special shoutout to Kelsee and her boyfriend Chet, who were unfortunately surprised with a last-minute family emergency and were unable to attend. We love you and can’t wait to see you again sometime in the near future.

A massive THANK YOU is in order for Cherish, who spent 3+ hours on my hair and makeup and completely changed my life by introducing me to primer. My face looked the best it has ever looked and my makeup stayed on perfectly the entire night. She even surprised me with the sparkling star and moon hairpins I was hoping to have. My pins never arrived in the mail, and Cherish had them overnight shipped so that I could still have the finishing details I so wanted. Thank you to Hash, as well, for offering to overnight the hairpins a week out from the wedding. Even the tiniest details were tended to by the very large community I am lucky enough to call my friends. Everyone worked their butts off to make this a perfect celebration, and my GOODNESS we were SUCCESSFUL. Thank you to Cherish’s boyfriend, Chase, for helping with after-party logistics and bringing Arturo’s best friend Aspen along for some puppy playtime. They loved it.

Thank you to my childhood friends, Genevieve and Sanne, for coming out to dance and celebrate, and for making me feel like a vertiable princess! It was so good to see you after so many years and I wish I had more time to catch up with you! Thank you to my dear friend from Skidmore, Cameo, for not only being exactly the right friend at the right time for me my sophomore year, but for your presence and your kind words at the reception. You always knew there was someone out there for me who was precisely the man I needed, and it means the world to me that our perfect fit is apparent to you and to everyone else who witnesses it. Thank you to Taryn, who still made the trip even though her pup came down with a stomach infection. I loved seeing how perfectly coordinated your floral dress and Genevieve’s floral dress were. By sheer happenstance! I will do a better job keeping in touch with all of you. It’s wild how fast the time flies and I will make a more conscious effort to schedule more regular phone calls, even if it’s only every other month or something similar. We’re all so busy, and yet the love persists across time and space. You each are a precious gift and I am so lucky to know you all.

Thank you to Uncle Paul, Auntie Monica, and Auntie Pilar (who saved Jack from drowning 28 years ago this past Sunday), as well as all the cousins, Arianna, Sophia, Olivia, Isabella, Patrick, and Andrew for bringing so much energy and enthusiasm to the dance floor and for perpetually hyping everyone up. Extra thanks to Patrick and Andrew for ushering.

Thank you to the Trinity locals who showed up and turned down for nothing: Monique and Logan, Lily and Lily, Jon and Maeve, Melissa (thank you for getting those sweet disco lights, glow sticks, and light gloves), Deidre and JB and their kids, Jenn and her children, Emma and Jude, Josh, Ingra and their girls, Annie and Eric, Brady and Fred, Scott and Tania, Monica, Dan, and Jeff (P.S. thank you for setting up that sound equipment for Isabella and Jonathan!) Samantha and Steve, Sean, Chad, and Christina. Bonus thank you to Christina for arranging the PERFECT bouquets.

Giant thank-you to Katie, Kyle, and the entire Lewiston Hotel staff for serving, bussing, and flipping with finesse and expertise. The service was just excellent and the multiple rounds of food were so appreciated. Bruschetta appetizers, a delicious taco bar, late-night sliders and popcorn. I daresay, not a single attendee went hungry. We still have leftovers! Your detailed, dedicated work is admired and appreciated. The venue was just the right atmosphere and I can’t imagine I’ll ever throw a party as cool as this again in my lifetime.

I can say with confidence that in my 30 years on this planet, I have achieved nothing on my own. I have ALWAYS had help. And for that, I am eternally thankful. I am so humbled and honored to have seen so many beaming, beautiful faces all assembled in the same place at the same time. You can’t know who shows up to your funeral, but from this past weekend, seeing how many people showed up to assist and to party to their highest capabilities, I feel entirely confident that I am on the right path and that this is the life I was meant to live with a man I love more dearly than I can say. I am a mosaic of all of the people I love, nearly every single one of whom was in attendance this weekend. I couldn’t be here without your support and vigorous kindness. I am who I am because I know the people I know. I am eternally in awe of how many wonderful, extraordinary humans in my life, and I cherish and adore each and every relationship. I wish I could have spent at least a week catching up with everyone there. I feel rejuvenated and energized, hopeful, optimistic. Amen for friends!

In a world literally on fire, we were gifted with a multi-day rain and snow storm the five days leading up to the wedding. It even rained on our wedding morning, a sure sign of good luck in a parched environment! Then the clouds lifted and the sun came out in full force, drying the grass and smiling down on us all, gleaming off the shimmering water of the Trinity River. A hawk circled overhead as we exchanged vows and rings. Sunday stayed sunny and bright, and Monday and Tuesday were back to much-needed rain showers. I love how fresh and green everything is. Growth begets more growth. Life thrives when we work together in complex systems. My heart is bursting with love. I will now close with my vows to Jack, and slip back into the beautiful afterglow of a glorious union and life-defining celebration.

“Jack Lienhard, I love you, I have loved you, I will always love you.

Our souls have known each other a very long time. Nothing can convince me otherwise. Looking back on my life up to this point, it’s clear to me that we were predetermined to meet. Destined to fall in love. Fated to become life partners. Meant to grow old together, side by side.

I have questioned the existence of our divine Creator, I have questioned the very nature of our shared reality, and I have questioned my own sanity numerous times. But never, not once, have I ever questioned or doubted whether or not we should be together. Our union is unshakeable. Our love, timeless. 

I promise to be your best friend and confidante. I promise to support you in all of your endeavors, in your personal evolution, in your pursuits of passion and wonder, and in our shared dreams and visions. I promise to hold you, to laugh and cry with you, to make music and dance with you, to grow with you as one.

I promise to hold your hand through pain and happiness, sorrow and celebration, and I promise to greet every challenge and joy we face with bravery and conviction.

And when we finally die, I promise to find you. Our spirits found each other in a vast, growing, shrinking, darkening, beautiful world, and they will find each other again and again, in every iteration, in every environment, and in every timeline.

My heart always belonged to you, and always will belong to you. I am, and always will be, yours. Forever.”

And I Think to Myself, “What a Tumultuous World.”

Back again, back again. We’re now 29 days out from the wedding and I’m spinning tiny plates on top of other spinning plates. I have to write two Climate Corner articles before we wed (as I can only imagine I won’t have the bandwidth to crank out an article over our celebratory weekend) and I also volunteered to write a brief article on local food security for SAFE (Safe Alternative for our Forest Environment). Oh, and I’m choreographing three separate dance pieces for the showcase in June! I like to stay busy.

I suppose I should start by saying a tentative peace has been agreed upon by all parties and that my parents will be in attendance for the wedding. Last weekend my mother asked me what I thought about the war in Ukraine and, as almost always happens, the conversation devolved. She called Biden weak, demented, and disappointing (I agree with the last adjective) and defended Trump’s “Putin is a genius” comment by insisting he meant, “Strategic genius.” To that, I simply said, “Why couldn’t Trump just call Putin ‘strategic’? It is a neutral term, one that doesn’t imply admiration the way ‘genius’ does.” She called me a fascist when I pointed out that the GOP is being pulled further and further to the right by (mostly) white men chanting things like, “Jews will not replace us!” in Charlottesville, and “Hang Mike Pence!” during the violent Capitol insurrection. Then, the cherry on top, she told me to “Move away” if I didn’t like receiving death threats from Truth First. That last comment pushed me over the edge. Rather than condemn the bad behavior of an adult man threatening to shoot me, she victim-blamed me and suggested I up-end my entire life to flee from the deranged monster.

For full transparency, I reacted as badly as I possibly could. She went low and I took it to the floor. I (verbally) punched back as hard as I could, with every bit of frustration and vitriol I could muster. I told her to never call me a fascist again, that I displayed no militant, hyper nationalist behavior, and that I didn’t think her aging brain was as rational as it used to be. To add insult to injury, I linked to a study that ties leaded gasoline exposure to loss of IQ in older generations. It was only a 1-3 points, on average, but for some specific populations, was as high as a 7-point IQ drop. In response, she threatened to skip the wedding. We spent six days in silence, and she has since reneged on the threat. As unwise as it was, I threw that vicious grenade in an attempt to explain away my parents insistence on defending what I believe to be the worst president in history, because without a clear reason for their behavior, the only other conclusion I can draw is that they are choosing to act like this. Choosing to defend a child rapist. Choosing to defend people like “Truth First” who can’t use their first amendment well enough to sway people into seeing their perspective and who resort to threatening people who challenge them with death by the second amendment. People in this nation disown their own children for things that can’t be helped, traits that one is born with, like being gay or transgender. I, by contrast, am absolutely enraged, utterly livid, that my parents choose to cling to a party that is being overrun by flat-out violent, dangerous extremists. Why can they not change their minds? Why can they not shift their loyalties to a third party, since they loathe and despise Democrats more than any other group in the nation?

In that moment, I was a cruel bitch to my own mother, I’ll be the first to openly admit it. But only because I felt attacked by the person who gave me life, the person I always thought I could count on to protect me from the dangers of this trigger-happy country. Oh, how wrong I was and still am. It’s an ugly, brutal task to realize that my parents aren’t nearly as deserving of my unquestioning adoration as I had always believed growing up, and then to have them demand that I still love them unconditionally, despite repeatedly making what I believe to be very bad, damaging choices. The more I challenge them, the more our collective resentment grows. And yet, here we are, all planning to see each other in April to celebrate my commitment to Jack and his commitment to me. Alls well that ends well? Jack recently said, “It’s not a true wedding without some drama.” And now I realize, the drama is coming from my own nuclear family. At least we’re all hard-headed enough to keep talking to each other. None of us are estranged, even though we’ve said things that cut right down to the heart of who each of us are. We’re hard-headed, not hard-hearted. And what we say hurts, deeply. But somehow, we’re still here, still on speaking terms, still usually able to converse about most topics in a civil, productive manner. I think, unfortunately, we will never be able to discuss politics. Ever. Never ever. Never again, never in the future. The gulf between us is too wide and that entire sphere of discussion is closed to us. It could be much, much worse. I will take what I can get. Many families have fully imploded from all of this. It’s a miracle we’re still talking. Regularly. Go figure.

I wish I could understand the appeal of Trump if only to understand my own father, and by extension, my mother who defends his choices… and Trump’s choices. It seems like there is no line that Trump can cross that would change their minds, convince them to back-track, convince them to step away from the lying, stealing, grifting, raping demon. If I spend too long dwelling on it (yes, I recognize the irony of writing this all out), I become consumed with grief and a sense of betrayal. It feels like they’re siding with Truth First, like they believe he has a senior right to be heard, like his freedom of speech, however violent and inciting, is more important than mine. My parents call me intolerant. I agree only to the extent that I am intolerant of hate speech, and even more intolerant of hateful acts and policies that oppress and brutalize marginalized populations. But yeah, let’s just call me the intolerant fascist. It makes my parents feel better knowing how shitty I turned out to be. It frees them of their guilt. “We’re good people and we can think whatever we want!” That’s the best understanding I can reach.

My parents are good people. As are other folks I personally know who voted for Trump. My parents worked in healthcare, my dad a surgeon, my mother a medical social worker. It is grueling, emotionally, mentally laborious work. It requires compassion, intense focus, and unwavering commitment and dedication. They volunteered time, money, and resources to numerous community projects, from musical concerts to art shows. They are good parents who give their best advice, their fullest energy, their fiercest love. Which is why this schism, this yawning maw of a chasm, is all the more confusing and upsetting.

I know I’m not the only person who feels this way. I don't see my parents or any Trump voter as the enemy, but I do believe the policies of the GOP are insidious. I think the enslavement of female bodies is sickening. I think the scheme to cut Medicare and Social Security is evil and going to hurt the very constituents who vote for the GOP, just as ignoring COVID wiped out a lot of older, white, conservative Americans. The lack of self-preservation, the unwillingness to face our very real problems (climate change, the wealth gap, civil unrest, political violence and extremism) and the eagerness to substitute fake problems (Q-Anon is a bullshit factory) to whip up mass hysteria is going to kill all of us, for generations to come. And yet we all have a burning desire to survive, a flame that compels us to keep moving in the darkest of times. My parents aren’t my enemy, but they most assuredly are not fighting alongside me against very real, very angry men who would shoot me without hesitation or remorse. It is for that very reason I look beyond my blood family to find allies, and I count myself among the very fortunate to have found extended family wherever Jack and I go, wherever we live. It’s unfair to my parents to spend so much time airing out these conversations, but this is the way these discussions are unfolding. These are the things being said. This is what’s happening in my personal life during an unprecendented historical period of time. It’s exhausting living through all of these monumental events. Everyone my age is ready for something resembling stability, something resembling peace. But as long as our elders cling to the beliefs that have led us into the lion’s mouth of this unsustainable society, we will only suffer the consequences of its collapse. Things are bad now. They’re going to get a lot worse.

Whatever it takes to maintain the spark of life, the flame of survival, I hope we’re all taking those necessary steps. We need good, nonviolent people to continue living. We need peace-makers and creators to make it to the next generation. We need to stand up against violence and injustice lest it consume every single person in the final apocalypse of this species.

It’s Rather Crucial I Express Some Gratitude

Our house still stands, but much of Trinity County continues to burn in the Monument Fire and River Complex. Lots of folks are evacuated and have lost their homes. We count our blessings and are grateful to have been spared thus far. I’m still on edge, but am trying to make the most of the time given, to enjoy every day where the air quality allows for outdoor recreation. I’m reading, writing, going about my work, and generally replicating normality as much as possible. It gets me through the day.

Two weekends ago (August 27-30), Jack and I attended my sister’s wedding to her now-husband and our brother-in-law. Kate and Alex. At long last. I happy-cried throughout the entire ceremony. Kate had wanted to surprise our parents with our unannounced, unexpected attendance, and after a year-and-a-half of no face-to-face interaction with my family, I burst into tears the moment I saw my mother and father round the corner to the newly refurbished, beautifully decorated, and adorned patio on the backyard.

After a long, slow burn and a heated spat during the height of (the most recent) political tensions in this country (roughly 11/04/2020-01/27/2021), I hadn’t talked to my parents as much as I used to before everything changed. I apologized for what I’d said to both of them. They apologized for things they had misunderstood or misinterpreted. We made the kind of patchy peace one can only make over the phone and without a true, teary apology and warm, generous hug.

To hold them and thank them, kiss their cheeks and say, “I’m sorry for what I said when I was angry. You are a wonderful mother and a wonderful father. I’m so happy to see you and love you both forever. Thank you for everything.” was just the soul-nourishment I needed. They are such exemplary parents, dedicated teammates who put in their full, best effort every single day, year after year, into the success of their daughters and the betterment of their futures. Not to mention, they helped a lot of other people through the nature of their multi-decade careers (a surgeon and medical social worker). Both of my parents worked rigorously to help those in crises and those in medical jeopardy. Although I didn’t take after their line of work, I admire them endlessly.

It was pure magic to see my sister in white, a gold forest crown on her head, at long last marrying her boyfriend of 5 years, fiancé of 2, and now husband. It was thrilling to see them wearing their wedding bands, beaming at each other in their renovated new home. Their ranch-style house looks entirely their own, stylish and modern, with very subtle nods to former decorative accents. They’ve been pouring in their time and labor to repaint the walls and replace the floors. It already looks like a brand new home from what I saw in early January 2020. There were white tulle curtains as a backdrop for the ceremony, blowing gently in the breeze wafting through the backyard. Ivy covered the columns. Bouquets were scattered about the patio, paper flowers up on the far wall, party lights strung along the perimeter. It was enchanting. After living in arid California this summer, I relished the humidity and coolness of Massachusetts. Everything about the visit was exactly what I needed.

Jack and I zipped down to Cape Cod with my parents after the ceremony and reception. We realized we were there on a Saturday night and rallied for a few hours of dancing and fancy cocktails on Main Street in historic downtown Hyannis. We slept for a few hours, and then drove to western Massachusetts to help determine which of my accumulated items needed to be donated, thrown away, or packed up and shipped out. (My parents just sold their house in Pittsfield). With help from my dad, my aunt, and Jack the Most Amazing Husband of All Time, we organized my entire lifetime, from childhood to the present day, into distinct piles each bound for a different fate. That same day, we returned to my sister’s house, slept, and flew out that Monday. Phew!

But wait, there’s more!

This past weekend (September 3-7) I went on the most amazing visit to the Adirondacks with my friends from Boston University and beyond for a joint bachelorette party! Priyanka, Kelsee, and Hash planned a full, weekend-long bash for me and Riya to celebrate our upcoming weddings! Also in attendance were my college friend, Mary, and Riya’s friend from six years ago, Drashti.

We traveled from Boston to Wilmington, NY (just east of Lake Placid) in a giant, black, GMC Yukon XL where six of us (Mary met us at the AirBnB) could stretch out luxuriously and enjoy the road trip. Upon our arrival, Pri, Hash, and Kelsee sent me, Riya, Mary, and Drashti out to picnic by the lake. We did so gladly, enjoying the mirror reflections of mountains towering above the smooth water, and when we returned, there were balloons, sparkles, shimmering curtains, and bright ribbon curls everywhere! It was the perfect party background in a cozy, quintessential upstate New York cabin. We ate fresh, homemade veggie tacos, played trivia- and card-based drinking games, and ended the first day with hot-tubbing.

The next morning began with a brunch of French toast, scrambled eggs, and berry salad. All but Pri went out for a two-hour nature walk through the forest and along the river. An impressive charcuterie board occupied our early afternoon, followed by champagne decorated with edible pink glitter (yes that is a real thing). Then we relaxed with face masks on and cucumbers over our eyes, painted our nails, prepared our hair and makeup, and hit the town of Lake Placid in our cutest outfits. We had dinner at a delicious Italian restaurant and took fruity, pink celebratory shots with our waiter. When we returned to our cabin, we had a campfire and admired the stars before bed.

We made a cute video wherein Riya and I wore our white, Bride t-shirts and our friends wore their respective burgundy, Team Bride t-shirts. We were well-fed, pampered, celebrated, and elevated to a level of pure bliss and appreciation. I am so thankful to have such thoughtful, kind, cooperative, visionary, dream-achieving friends. They went to extraordinary lengths to make this an unforgettable, fun, life-changing, friendship-building, celebratory rite of passage weekend. We even increased the size of our girl squad with two new, lifelong members! I will forever cherish the jokes, the laughs, the shared views, the deep conversations, and the opening of hearts from that weekend.

To know that I have such spectacular people in my life, my blood family and my chosen family, to know that the Universe deemed me worthy to have made these friends, is the best feeling in the world. I wish I could describe it better, having the gall to call myself a writer. It’s a deep catharsis, a massive sweeping feeling that you can feel throughout your body that indicates to your subconscious, “Everything will be okay; you have people who have your back and want you to make it through.” It’s a calming tonic, like floating in water, reassured that wherever the current takes you, there will be familiar faces and friendly companions along the way.

Weddings and pre-wedding celebrations are some of my favorite rites of passage in our western society. I love worshipping love, celebrating every instance of two humans committing to each other for all of their Earthly days. It opens up a well of happiness that, as most of my emotions are, is attached to my tear ducts. After a confusing, tumultuous, challenging 18 months or so, it was a miraculous gift to return somewhat to the “before times” to see friends and family, to hold hands and wrap our arms around each other. I love all forms of love, romantic, platonic, and familial. To have enjoyed the abundance of all forms was the best reminder that there are always better, brighter days to look forward to. Love, to me, has always been the entire point of life: to uphold it and cherish it, to nurture and grow it. Love, love, love. To the end of days.